What is the centipede thinking as my cat stands over it and bats at it, follows it and blocks it from going else where?

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.

Currently Reading You Ain't Got No Easter Clothes : A Memoir By Laura Love see related

Oni- When you say home on friday do you mean your house home or your dorm home? Of course I want to hang out on friday too! I've got nothing better to do...

Dan- I know you've been busy with Bat Boy... I also don't think I want to go to the cast parties... I've always gotten annoyed when people that weren't involved with the show come to cast parties... So yeah.... I'd feel uncomfortable.

Lis- I have your number now, so if I ever need to talk I can call you... and believe me I will!

.....

*sigh*

My grandmother, my mom's mom, who we call Oma (German for Grandma), always used to send my brother packages of books at random times during the year. They have this bookstore where they live, Bookpeople, and they go there everyday as part of their regular routine to get their daily coffee and look around. For the first time ever the other day she sent ME a package with a book in it. I've begun to read it and it's really rather interesting. It's the currently reading book. My god, it's traumatizing. These two girls, growing up in the 60's, watched their mother attempt to hang herself while they begged and pleaded her not to. It's amazing that they actually went through this, that it's a true story. But for the first time, I feel like Oma loves me. I always thought I got lost as the 2nd youngest. Oma favored the older children. Erin, Seth, and more recently, Teva. I wanted so much to impress her, to change her opinion of me. She always wanted to leave me out of family dinners because I'm a picky eater, and little things like that. I didn't get how everyone back home could see me as mature for my age while Oma thought of me as a little child. I don't know if she knows how much her sending this book to me meant...

It's been a month since she died... well... about 2 hours from now it'll have been a month.

It took 20 mg of Fluoxetine (sp?) to make me have a good day today... It was the first day I've taken 20 mg... I was supposed to take 3 weeks to build up to it... but I just skipped the 3rd week, it wasn't doing much of anything. It was the best day I've had in the past month that hasn't been because of Jon. I miss Jon. Two of the biggest mistakes of my life were to dump him the two times I did. I guess I would have hurt myself more if I had cheated on him instead of dumping him the once but still....

I lost him. I lost my mom.

My dad doesn't care if he loses me. Mark wants to lose me. Dan's losing me because he doesn't have time for me.

I feel like I'm losing all of my friends. I feel like I'm being abandoned and purposely lost. Like no one wants to be around me anymore. I know it's not true but it feels like it.

I don't like people telling me my friends aren't nice people. My friends are great people. So what if many of them dress in all black and are loud and crazy. It's not like I hang out with the uber goths or the major preppy people. I love my friends. I don't need new friends. But I hate that when I'm sobbing and I just want someone to talk to, someone to care, I have no one to call.

In situations last night, where I was in tears after hanging up on Jon and I wanted to talk to someone.... god... it sucks... I thought Liz, but I told myself, no, she'd just yell at me for being so affected by Jon.... I thought Dan, but knew he wouldn't be home, and he wouldn't be able to talk if I called his cell... I thought Nick, but I don't have his number and it wouldn't feel right to call his house at 9:00 at night... i thought Hannah, but she and I haven't really been as close over the past year or so and it would have just felt weird to call her... I don't know what to do in times like that... I don't know who to call.

I wish I could have another talk with Oni like the one we had a while ago where we just sat in his dorm for two hours and simply talked. That was great. *sigh* I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I can do.

I have Mark constantly getting angry with me for having a bad grade in LOYO because I haven't gotten my makeup work done yet. I have Jon constantly making me cry because I want him more than anything I've wanted in my life but he doesn't want me. I have my dad always trying to be dad-like but not knowing what to do. I have classes I'm falling behind in. I have a fictional concert I need to write about. I have a room I need to clean. I have a house I need to move into. I have laundry I need to do. I have a bathing suit and towel I need to return to their owner. I have a knife I've been asked to give to someone in fear I'll hurt myself. I have so much fucking stuff I need to do and I'M JUST PLAIN SICK OF IT!

FUCK!

I want to get out and do something crazy. Let me get out and do something crazy?